Dog Owning Dimwits

December 19, 2011

Why is it that, without fail, whenever you say anything about how amazing children are, some dog bothering nimwit chimes in about their amazing pet?

Here’s a protip- no, your dog is not even remotely in the same ballpark of amazing, clever, loving or cute as a child.

Not the same ballpark, not the same league…not similar in anyfuckingway.

I mean seriously…get a grip people, it is a dog.

No Responses Yet to “Dog Owning Dimwits”

  1. Alex Says:

    Here’s a protip- no, your dog is not even remotely in the same ballpark of amazing, clever, loving or cute as a child.

    Not even a pit bull?



  2. Pinko Punko Says:

    Push those buttons!


  3. drugmonkey Says:

    Not even a Dachsbull Friese, Alex.


  4. MarkCC Says:


    I happen to be the happy owner of the worlds most amazing golden retriever. I love the crazy furball dearly, and think he’s a wonderful animal and an important part of my family.

    But for jeebus sake, he’s a dog, not a child.


  5. Vicki Says:

    This is also true of cats. I have an overindulged housecat; if I were raising a child the way we have raised this cat, people would justifiably object, but they don’t have to interact with my spoiled pet, and he’s never going to be out on his own, or knocking things over and then demanding to cut in line at a coffee shop.


  6. Mongo Says:

    Maybe these childless dogpeople with whom you socialize are sick of people with children who blather on about how amazing they are… just sayin’


  7. DrugMonkey Says:

    Who said “childless”?


  8. Mongo Says:

    Well, in that case, it’s hilarious.


  9. You may be right about all the other dog breeds, but the bichon frise is a magnificent near-human.


  10. K.B. Says:


    Over-react much? An amusing post, with an amusing comment… one that in no way compared kids to dogs in any meaningful way.

    I really don’t get why dog-owners are on the receiving end of this type of vitriol, no matter how well we treat our pups. Yeah, they are dogs – so what? What harm does our actions cause you?



  11. Mac Says:

    Yeah, I have to admit I sometimes do this but only after someone spends half and hour telling me about how much more amazing their kid is than any other human. Parents should definitely think that but seriously? Obviously my nephews outshine them so don’t kid yourself 🙂

    Also I tend to do this when someone starts in on why I should have kids – as if listening to you lecture me will light a bulb over my head “Oh right I forgot to have a baby, thanks for letting me know I’m going to go get right on that”. I’m glad you have kids really but just for a second think about why someone might not – infertility, inherited disease issues, other obligations to family, disease or injures that make it possible but only with extreme risk for the mother’s health, or simple lack of interest. So if you get this response ask yourself why – maybe they are clueless or maybe they’re pushing back to let you know to STFU. Take the hint sometimes.


  12. drugmonkey Says:

    What harm does our actions cause you?

    These tendencies are the florid, general expression of complex issues that lead to

    1) Animal right’s idiocy respecting the conduct and value of animal research in general

    2) dog attacks on people


  13. drugmonkey Says:

    In Olde Belgiowelshe “bichon” translates as “slipper, or other comfortable footwear” and “friese” is either “murderous rage” or “evisceration with extreme prejudice” (depending on your authority) PP.


  14. Don’t fucke with the motherfucken bichons, fuckeasse.


  15. K.B. Says:

    “These tendencies are the florid, general expression of complex issues that lead to

    1) Animal right’s idiocy respecting the conduct and value of animal research in general

    2) dog attacks on people”



  16. Juniper Shoemaker Says:

    I am a childless woman who spoils cats and dogs, who dislikes children in general, and who is weary of the mystique surrounding reproduction with men who expect their wives to do all the domestic work while they watch sports, advance their business and scientific careers and have affairs with sweet young things who look like they’ve stepped out of a J. Crew catalog. Also, one of my beloved petsitting charges was an 85-pound pit bull mix, and he was nothing but a big adorable puppy who wanted kisses and toys.

    But I’m with you on this. I like dogs just fine, but they’re not humans. They’re not cats, either. I favor cats. And I am sick of dog owners. Too many of them get giant dogs which they inexplicably squeeze into tiny apartments and then allow to bark deafeningly all night long. Too many of them refuse to pick up after their dogs, and too many of them let their dogs scamper up to people or run around without leashes.

    I met a woman whose face had been mauled by a dog in a San Francisco park while minding her own business because its owners were too selfish and stupid to put it on a lead. That was years ago, and it’s still making me angry. Those owners were probably the type to leave dog poop all over the place and then airily rationalize that behavior away instead of just admitting how lazy and unfit for dog ownership they were, too. Sick of them all.


  17. DrugMonkey Says:


    As with many (probably most) dog lurvers, you are burdened with an immense cognitive dissonance relieving denial system. It is unfortunate.


  18. jakester Says:

    the behaviors of toddlers and dogs are often reminiscent of one another. The comparisons seem like logical, friendly conversation to me.

    here’s a protip- deep breathing exercises might help you to deal with those horribly upsetting puppy stories.


  19. patrick Says:

    What the hell has happened to this blog? It used to be science. Now it’s random (and frankly derivative) musings and copy-cat cooking posts.



  20. 26" is closest to godliness Says:

    When was this blog ever “science”?


  21. Joan Robles Says:

    Then shut the hell up about your vile offspring.


  22. drugmonkey Says:

    Vile? Mine are certainly not “vile”. Now letting an animal that licks its own genitals lick all over your face…..that is most certainly vile.


  23. DW Says:

    The more blogs I read, the more I like my dogs.


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