Put down the haterade, quail-boy!

August 7, 2008

A’ight, DrugNut is asleep so I can sneak into his MT account and address a little issue that has been raveling my seams. Seems some SuperTurboBloggerz2.0 has been doing a little hating on sock puppets. Technically, I’m not actually a puppet but some of my best friends are and I’m happy to speak up for my oppressed and downtrodden woolen and cotton brethren.
The Word of SockMonkey
Now, it’s bad enough when demented tinfoil hat wackaloon blogoMcCarthy’s see sock puppets under every bed. But we’re talking a serious and well respected blogger here who wants sock puppets moved to the back of the bus.

The interviewer has no idea how big of an offense sockpuppetry is

Not just persona non grata, oh no. An “offense”. Rosa Parks never had it that bad.

Offense against nature one presumes? These bigots are nothing if not reliable, eh? It isn’t enough to say we prefer not to associate with your kind, is it? Oh no. They have to resort to nonsense like “It is an Offense against all that is Natural and Intended by the Powers that Be!!!”. This is a hate up with I will not put!
Let’s get one thing straight from the start haters. One or several rotten apples should not be used to disparage all sock puppets, the vast majority of which are contributing members of the community. Keeping their noses fuzzy. Picking ’em up and laying ’em down. Bringing joy and entertaining conversation to online discussions everywhere. So put down the haterade and stop picking on our Merino fearing brothers and sisters, yo!
Now, I’m not sure anyone who names his online persona after something who’s only purpose is to wrap around a little sage and chestnut stuffing and roast up to a fine golden glow, really has much call to talk smack. Not to mention uses obviously made up names like “Zivkovic” and tries to mislead about his ancestry with japonica (as if).
However, being a fair minded Sock, I’m inclined to chalk his hateful anti-sock speech up to ignorance and extend a little latitude.
Now since y’all are apparently ignorant of the ways of the Sock and confuse the acts of a few rogue elements with the vast majority of SockPuppetrim, it is worth reviewing a few of the most important guiding Tenets of St. Cheviot.
As the Bell Merino mandated in antiquity the first rule of sock puppetry is: There is no sock puppetry
Word. Now, one of the most important set of Laws ever handed down from His Woolly Oviseriad are the Sock Puppet Commandments (version adopted after Hampshire-Hebridian reconcilliation):

  1. Thou shalt honor thy One God, the Bell Merino, above all others.
  2. Honor St. Gossypium as first among all blessed prophets.
  3. Thou shalt not directly deny thy sock puppet.
  4. Thou shalt not engage in conversation with thy sock puppet, that being crazy talk.
  5. Thou shalt not employ thy sock puppet to cravenly manipulate stock values of thy enemies nor of thine own company.
  6. Be fruitful and multiply thy sock puppets if thou so wishes but do not forgetteth any of thy woolly progeny.
  7. Smite thy enemies freely with thy sock puppet.
  8. Thou shalt not defend thine own honor directly with thy sock puppet.
  9. Thou shalt endeavor at all times to entertain little children, and others of similar mental capacity, by thy witty antics and pithy sayings.
  10. Refresheth thy stuffing with frequency.

Here endeth the lesson.
*This is purely a theoretical example and peripheral point making. Neither the illustration nor the linked recipe is a threat. Even if it appears to be a threat to anyone with an intact frontal cortex, the fact that I assert it is not a threat covers me completely, HTH HAND!

No Responses Yet to “Put down the haterade, quail-boy!”

  1. Coturnix Says:

    I think sockpuppets should form a union….


  2. Stephanie Z Says:

    Wouldn’t that involve membership rolls?


  3. d00d, you have been drinking, haven’t you???
    not really sockmonkey territory but more like astroturfing: did you see in todayls wapo that mccain’s site is offering prefab comments for supporters to put on blog threads and win prizezzz! what a maroon!


  4. DrugMonkey, I am normally on your team and realize that this may make us blog-enemies, but I find sockpuppets kind of creepy. I suppose it all goes back to my youth, watching Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop. Why didn’t that damned puppet have any eyeballs???


  5. SockMonkey Says:

    d00d, you have been drinking, haven’t you???
    SockMonkey does not “drink”, this makes SockMonkey soggy and eventually quite smelly.


  6. Soque Pupet Says:

    Sock puppets are not “creepy”, h8r. Sock puppets are joyous and amusing. Just because you wear those ankle-busting catastrophe’s that preclude the gentle ministrations of a faithful sock is no reason to hate on sock puppets.


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